I Am a Creature of Habit
For real, my mornings are so predictable its frightening.
Let’s review my daily schedule.
4:40 am: 1st alarm goes off. If I was responsible and went to bed at a halfway normal time, I can get up. If not…
4:45 am: 2nd alarm.
4:50 am: 3rd alarm + the snoozes from the last two. By now, I am up and I better be. The fitness isn’t going to keep itself in shape.
5:10 am: Dressed, coffee made, and I’ve stuffed a handful of cereal in my mouth to make me feel a little bit more alive.
5:15 am: out the door to catch the train. On the drive, I listen to (almost) 2 short podcasts. I arrive at the station and park in just about the same spot, every day.
My morning, as you can tell, is nothing short of uneventful, routine, and predictable.
5:49 am: Train leaves. I sit in the last car, in the same seat, across from one of two of the same persons, with the same people, every day.
5:50 am: the prayer services in the last car have started (yes, that’s a thing here… pictures for another time).
5:53 am: the guy who I sit across from farts.
6:00 am: Cruising to Tel-Aviv.
6:15 am: we…
Oh… what’s that??
Oh, you want to know about the guy on my train who predictably rips a loud obnoxious fart every morning at the same time, don’t you? Yeah, so, the first time it happened, I thought I was hearing things. The second, I was nearly positive it happened, but still doubting myself. But by the third time, for the love of all things dude, WTF! And even then I couldn’t believe this was a thing. It wasn’t until he ripped one in front of another guy who was sitting, and I saw the poor victim jerk back and look at the farting guy with a “did that just happen??” look??? I glanced down to him and gave him a little nod. “It did. Believe it”.
Giving Feedback is Not Fun
Giving feedback is one of the hardest and most uncomfortable things anyone has to do. I literally, don’t know anyone that wakes up and says “yes, I can’t want to tell the other guy on the train that it’s inappropriate to send text messages with the type pad volume on so every click of a letter sounds like a rain drop”… (yes that happens too… it’s the most annoying noise, and if you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the video).
No one wants to talk to their kid about the time he got in a fight with someone in class, and how spitting on people is not tolerated in society, even if they spit on you first, and how there are consequences, and how he is now punished”. I certainly don’t want to go to work and start giving everyone feedback about this thing that they did that sucks, and that thing they did thats annoying.
We are adults people!
And like true adults, we run and cower at the idea of human contact and having those difficult conversations. AM I RIGHT?!?!?
Feedback is Personal, Goal Oriented, and Must Be Done Right
Giving real constructive feedback is an art form, and I am by no means perfect at it… far from it. Giving feedback the wrong way and to someone who is not prepared to accept it can frankly be devastating. And the opposite, giving feedback to someone who is genuinely open and ready to hear it, can be life changing for them.
אַל־תּ֣וֹכַח לֵ֭ץ פֶּן־יִשְׂנָאֶ֑ךָּ הוֹכַ֥ח לְ֝חָכָ֗ם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ
Do not rebuke a scoffer, for he will hate you; Reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
-Proverbs 9:8
It’s a sensitive topic, and this is all my own personal experience and what I have learned throughout my career.
My Golden Rule of Feedback
The golden rule that guides all this is that there must to be a purpose to the feedback. What is the goal you are trying to achieve? Is it to change a behavior? Is it to help them do a task better? Is it to critique them for something they did that they shouldn’t? You know, feedback can also be positive too. How about the positive side of everything I just mentioned?
Once you know the goal, than everything you say MUST connect to the goal you set. If it doesn’t then decide why you are bringing it up in the first place (I just gave you feedback, see what I did there). Emotion doesn’t belong in the workplace, and this is coming from an INFP, stress the F for feelings. By nature I am an emotional person, so I get worked up when there is conflict… It’s a never ending battle.
Other Tips and Tricks To Consider When Giving Feedback
I have compiled a small list of important things to think of when dealing with people and giving constructive feedback. These gems, again, are from my own experience. I’d love to hear if you think some of them are wrong, or you feel differently.
On my list of the key things to think about when giving feedback.
- Basic Respect: Speak to people how you would like to be spoken to. People are different. They have different life experiences, backgrounds, challenges, personalities, feelings, and basically everything you can think of makes them different from you. You under no circumstances have the right to treat someone like shit. Period. Full stop. Being a dictator, yelling, demanding, nasty, (I can keep going) are not effective ways to have a conversation with anyone. I screw this up on a regular basis with my kids. As a parent, I do think there is a time and a place to scream at the little devils, but those times should be reserved for extreme circumstances (and lets hope it doesn’t get to that, for everyone’s sake). In general, most everyone responds better to calm conversation.
- Let people come to their own conclusions: I learned this lesson the hard way when I was super tough on a colleague when reviewing his work. Objectively, his work was not to a standard I would EVER feel comfortable sending to a client. So my initial reaction was to point out everything that was wrong and tell him to go fix it. Clearly that wasn’t the best way. He did it but the work over time became much better, but at a cost. One of my peers gave me advice on how to better manage those situations and he explained what seems so obvious after the fact. He explained that by telling this guy what to do, you aren’t teaching. But by approaching it in a more subtle way, making suggestions, asking why something was done, and being prepared to accept 80% perfect, rather than 100% but help him grow, you are being a more effective manager. That was terrific advice.
- Be concise: I have a tendency to talk and talk and talk until I finally realize that I am going in circles… and then I say it one last time to make sure I got the point across. Don’t do that. It’s a waste of time, and chances are the person got it the first time. Say what you mean the first time.
- Don’t wing it: When I am preparing to give feedback to someone, as much as I can, I try to plan out what I want to say. I have talking points, I think about the different scenarios, how they might respond, and I try to adjust what I want to say based on how I think they might respond. Maybe I tone it down. Maybe I decide if a point is worth mentioning. Maybe I am being too critical, and I need to hear from them first.
- Don’t catch people off guard: I am a pretty big believer in transparency. I remember I once had a manager (well, he was sort of a manager in training) who in a formal feedback session once gave me some feedback on something. What it was exactly, I don’t remember, but what I do remember is that it was a complete surprise to me. This is a guy who I had weekly meetings with, and all of a sudden something significant like that. Where have you been for the past 3 months bro! Needless to say, I vowed never to do that,
- Are they an asshole or simply unaware: The reality is, most people are simply not paying attention, most of the time. Take for example the guy who takes 30 minute showers in the office (hypothetically). The knee jerk reaction is to to say “hey buddy, this is the only shower here, it’s supposed to be quick, there is a line of people growing out here, lets go”. The more difficult approach is realizing, he might have no idea that a line is building. So instead, what about saying “hey, I don’t know if you are aware, but there is a line of people out here, and everyone usually take 7-10 minutes max. This is really just meant for people to clean off after a workout”. He had no idea. He was appreciative that someone told him.
- What is the motivation?: Why are you giving any feedback in the first place? To be a big shot? To stand out at the expense of someone else? Or do you genuinely care about their personal growth? When you approach it that way, the conversation changes from “What is the matter with you, how can you do that, you are making me look bad”, to “look, you represent a team, and most importantly yourself. Is this how you want the company to think about you?”
- Relationship Matters, a lot!: From my experience being on the receiving end of feedback, when I have a good rapport with my manager, colleague, friend, or frankly anyone, I can usually take it. It doesn’t always feel great to hear, but when you know the person has your best interest at heart, then it becomes more digestible. Giving feedback is not a one time thing, its an iterative process, which starts as early as the “good morning” and “how are you today”. When you have a strong relationship, its easier to hear when they call you out on something. (I said easier… not easy… it can still suck).
Anyway, I am rambling now, so I will stop. Hope you found some of this helpful.
What About the Guy Who Farts on the Train???
What about him? Oh, you thought I ACTUALLY said something!!! Lol. Sometimes, silence it the best option. We need to decide if it’s worth giving feedback at all. I assure you, this is one of those times that its better just to be quiet and sit in another seat.
Challenge Status: 2 down 10 to go!